S2E4: Sex workers healing emotionally, Pretty girl problems, and Black girl standards

Pilar Lyutfalieva (00:00.168)
He just left through his fingers. He just fell onto my ears. And then my ears are small so he's just full palming me.

Welcome to the Goop'd and Gag podcast series. Come and escape and unwind with us. Life coach, me, Pilar, and fashion coach, Vanessa. As we react to the happenings on Beyonce's internet. In this episode, we're going to experience an amalgamation of internet things.

because we all need a break from our day -to -day crazy and this Mercury Gatorade finally, finally freaking ending. But it's been in Virgo and honestly, I'm just, so fucking tired. Yeah, Mercury's in Gatorade. I love it. It ends on the 28th. the shadow period. See, I love retrogrades. Also, I was born when there were like six planets in retrograde. I've like, I've,

I made my piece and I can see the benefit through the fire. it's something about the Virgo, like it's great. I've been super like, okay, going back and reorganizing, going back and like getting rid of old things. I've been planning for the rest of the year. Like, you know, I've been prioritizing projects and doing all my things, right? But like, I'm just, tired.

I woke up at five o 'clock this morning. I'm hanging clothes like somebody give me a break. That's wild. We're good. No more fans flying in my face. Hit it. You know you have also, by the way, you know you have the best relationship or like the fact that Sark and I talk about this all the time. We're like, can you believe it that there are people who have been married with each other for years and they don't fart in front of each other? Let me tell you something right now.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (02:14.189)
I've known him since 2010 and it wasn't until like 2017 where actually, yes, my bump hole would just shut down. It's like I was using the bathroom, I'd like lock the door and turn the water on. my God, that's so long. Yes, he even saw me shit myself when I gave birth to Sophia.

That was before... That was 2014. I still... I mean, once he saw me shit myself, mean, it should have been like... You know... Yeah, like you've seen it all. You've seen it all at this point. But no. It's still like... It was so weird. I had like gas, but it's like my butt hole, like it voluntarily just would not release the air. Like, nope. It's like, mm -mm. Mm I guess it's that it's not very mindful or demure.

It's not cutesy. Where is this coming from? That more cute? so it's a it started with an influencer like one tick tock. OK. And I think they're transgendered woman. huh. And there's a very mindful, very demure, very cutesy or whatever. And I guess my anus.

Has been on that trend because it would not and i'm just like i'm gonna let it happen But I feel like maybe subconsciously I just it wouldn't and then i'm like, you know what? You're like Fuck it. I put my butt cheeks down. I said i'm not doing this anymore. I'm not living in shame i'm not hiding because it hurts Also, hold on when's that when did she when would he fart in front of you? He doesn't care. I would say he's letting rip all the time

I mean, like he has some decorum, but I would say like a few months in, you know what I mean? Like one, okay. Yeah. And he was like, he knows that a few months, a few months. That's actually, that's very, he, I'm like, it's okay. Especially compared to, I let him, I'm like, it's okay. We can be yourself around and let it out. It's not okay for you to be, I just couldn't, felt like, I don't know. I just felt like, yeah, I mean, like you see me shit myself on a delivery room table.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (04:34.209)
Like he was like, was that her head? They were like, no, wraps it up. He was like, my God. I'm like, my God. I'm like, mid -pushing my thrush. They're like, yeah, but it's okay. And she's the only one I've done that with, I don't know, almost so far. Because when I went into labor, I went into labor two hours after I ate the biggest meal of my life. Yes, I remember. I feel like she set me up. She said she was.

She knew she was coming. You know, normally you your appetite. She's like, you will be humbled. Forest energy, greedy ass. And she's like, I'm going to eat this food, baby. This is my last meal in here. I'm going to be on some, you know, breast milk. I want to taste something good. And I ate this big old pill. my God, that's so heavy. And when my water broke, I was like, no. I already knew what time it was. I'm like, I'm going to shit myself. That's the first thing they said.

I I'm gonna shit myself. And then after my water broke, I felt like the cramping, like almost instantly. And I was afraid to, you know, even push at home. So here I am clenching. Thank God I had the practice. Clenching everything. I didn't release anything in front of him anyways. I'm like clenching. mean like literally like a mental suture on my ass. It will not open on the way to the hospital. I swear to as soon as I got to the hospital, I like...

broke ass to get, I'm like, get out of my way. I ran to the bathroom. It was coming out of both ends. Okay. my God. And we just, you know, there is something to be said about like completely shitting yourself. Obviously not on yourself, but like when it's coming out everywhere, there's such a release.

Like is messy is nasty. It's whatever it is. It don't smell good, but there's something like so foundationally human and comforting about the fact you can just empty yourself out. It was intense. It felt like I was having a colonic. I'm so happy I waited. You know, I got to the restroom and it was, I'm like, no, don't come. Like you don't want to come in here. I was like, God, it was like,

Pilar Lyutfalieva (06:51.423)
Otherworldly, I don't know. I'm giving birth to the Antichrist first. Yes. I'm like, what is happening? What is that? Unholy smell. He was like, my God, my mama there. She's like, my God. It was like, what the fuck? Like, what did you give up? We ate the same thing. It was a crime scene in there. then when I was about to get up and go to the restroom, this went on for a few hours, you know.

nope, it's time to push because soon as I got up that's when her head had dropped Eventually, you know, I have to be in there for a while and I went to go to the restroom And they're like, no, no, no, no, my mom said nope too late for that She pushed me because she as soon as I stood up her head dropped like Yeah, so i'm like, man I'm There's no way I can

keep a lid on that and push at the same time. Cause it's the same pushing. I'm like, yep. I was like, I just shit myself on this tape. But let me tell you them nurses, they are professional. Can I wrap it up and I, know,

It's like a pit stop in F1. they're just, they're so like, yes. And I swear I apologize for them after I'm like, I'm so sorry. You had to smell that. I smell what was happening. Like, it's fine. I'm like, is it though? yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Been there. No, I've, let's see. I had just, I shit just a little bit with Rafa.

Just a little bit. They're just nuggets. Nuggets. Just some cute, where it was like, yeah, like they could just grab it like, throw it away. A little rabbit, a little hamster, know? Yeah, yeah. And then with, with Athena, I like fully shit myself. you like shit the bed? Yeah, because I, I took, what is it called? Castor oil? Yes. I didn't know.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (09:02.755)
there was no grip left in those intestines. You just squeezed them right on up. Like no grip. No grip. intestines were just like, it just smoothed out like completely. Like there was no. It was like, like they were ready. Yeah. To paint the town brown. You look out yourself. Like. Yeah. And I was just like, I'm so sorry the whole time. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. They're like, it's okay, Suzy. It's okay. And I'm like, I'm so sorry.

You're like it's not okay and then with Iskra I actually can't remember if I showed myself. I'm pretty sure I did Your memory she removed your memory doubt just assuming she's an operator she removed your memories of that day Even our birthday anymore. my god, and so actually it took me for

ever to remember. I told you that, right? It took me, because she was literally born at 12, like 32 or whatever AM. So I kept thinking the 27th. Let me tell you, we go on for her appointments. I'd be like 11, 27. They're like, hmm. You know, are you sure? What's her last name? What's her last name? Yeah. Hmm. You like. know, Brenda's sister? Yeah. And then they're like 11, 28.

Like 20 yes Like we're gonna make sure we have the right child the right guys where I gave birth to her She looks nothing like you they're like whose baby is this? First of all like who's baby is that first of all I? my god, make sure you get the birthday together. They're really gonna look at you like -huh for real like

Yes, right like yeah, she deleted your memories of that day she did what she could definitely for birthday all of boy

Pilar Lyutfalieva (11:08.585)
Yeah, was all a ploy. Telling you she's an operative. Yeah. So what are we chatting about today? As your host for the hour, we just want to thank you for listening and taking the time to hang out with us. If you haven't already, don't forget to follow us and share with your friends because we all need a chance to express our thoughts, feelings and questions. So here it is. I have a serious issue. I feel I'm a low value woman and I definitely want to change. I'm in my 30s now, but in my younger life.

I was in prostitution countless times and now I feel as a result I have a sex addiction because I cannot stop having sex or looking for men sexual attention and gratification. At this point I'd really like to enter into a long -term relationship and even marriage but I'm not sure if I can sleep with just one man for the rest of my life. I'm a hoe. I feel like a jam.

I love the self -proclamation. I'm a hoe. It's like actually, it's a core because you get paid via services. Okay, hoes give it away for free. So it's okay. We're gonna be one at least, know, have something to show for like my grandma used to say. I feel like I'm for the streets, but that's not where I want to be. How do I get out of this phase and into the stage of being no longer polygamous and being a sex worker?

I've been out of prostitution for about six years now. I haven't had steady therapy because it is costly, but I do see someone and I started seeing a counselor about six months ago. What do you think my focus should be? And what does that look like for anyone who's had some experience with that? Okay. Any words of wisdom? You want to go first? No.

I can go first and give my brash opinion, girl. Whatever comes to mind, I'll let you go. I'll let you go first. You have that. First of all, there's no shame in being a sex worker. No shame. It's the oldest profession. It is. I mean, it is recession proof. It's recession proof. Listen, these bills, the way they have it set up, baby, and I told my husband and my aunt. We'll not take it off the table. Put the pussy on the table.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (13:35.597)
That's hard. Exactly. So, and I've had friends who've been sex workers. You know, I've seen my friends when they're in the middle of a transaction or whatever. in the middle of the transaction? Not in the middle of it. I should say in the pre -transaction. I'm like, damn. Like, okay. Yeah, and this is I was really, really young. Really, really young. I mean, I was like 14, 15, and I had these friends who, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I've been around some wild people and you know, what a phrase that this girl, she was screaming, she was ready to fight this other girl. And they really were girls. she, and to that point, but she said, you know what, if you're old enough to fuck, you're old enough to fight. But they were like 14. I was like, girl, what you, I ain't fair.

But that always stuck with me. was like, wow, that's very wise. Okay, all right. I never thought about it that way. I never thought about it that way. I'll end up to fight you. I'll end up to fight you. But yeah, so I mean, so this idea of like sex workers and everything for me personally is not, is not an outlandish thing. And I think that being a sex worker, it's easy to feel

It's easy, because obviously it's a very, you know, it can create a lot of strong feelings in people. a lot of strong opinions. I love that she is, you know, seeking out therapy. I love that she's seeking out counseling. That's huge. I mean, we need that period, but it, you know, if you do that when you're young, you're doing it out of necessity.

you know, there's a lot of it's in, in most places, it's not, regulated. So it's very, you know, so it happening is usually out of, you know, me. And I feel like it depends, like you said, it depends on why, someone begins to engage. Is it voluntary? Because you have some people that, know what, I'm just going to go get paid. And then once they.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (16:01.389)
And they're on the age, you know, they're over 18. They're you know, I'm just doing this for money. like, I don't care. I don't need therapy. And you know what I mean? But then you have some people who do it because that's all they can do to, you know, to maybe provide for their families. Were they sex trafficked? Are they backed up by groups of abuse? You know, things like that. And that's I was going to say exactly is like, you know, it, when you're, if you get started in it,

because you were originally a victim of abuse in some way. And you get started when you're younger. And it looks like, I mean, she says she did it in her twenties, okay? If I understood that correctly, right? In her twenties. Right, that's what she said. But I mean, who knows, you know, what her childhood may have been like, which may have led her with, you know, hypersexualization or we don't know the full story, but you know, it's a lot to unpack and it's so multifaceted.

But you know, people in these situations, like it's hard to say don't let it, you know, define your self -worth, especially, you know, with maybe something that you were so adamantly against, but you had no choice but to do it. But you know, hopefully therapy helps and you can unlearn the behaviors and don't have to actually see your worth through sex.

You know, for folks like that, know, women, even men, feel like abstinence, you know, may be best for them just because they feel like their worth is tied directly to sex. And when you feel that way, it's like maybe abstain some. just, you know. Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself. Right. listen to like every, all the information that's coming through.

I'm a big fan of like healing and action. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's not just about doing the pre -work. It's also about letting yourself go through the journey of healing and like where that takes you because, know, like sometimes for instance, for me, like I remember when I was quote ready, I still started dating and I still was seeing people and I was still doing that. But while I knew I was in transition and I think that

Pilar Lyutfalieva (18:22.613)
It's okay to be in transition. Life is a transition. think it's okay to discover your self -awareness through the act of, right? it's because it happens. And I think that you have to be in a place of forgiveness for yourself. And because sometimes you might meet somebody and it's through that act of meeting somebody and you go, this isn't it. Or you might go, you know what? It's not it, but like,

I do kind of like him and I, you know what I mean? Like I'm, I'm still working this out. Like, okay, you know what I mean? Be safe, be good, you know? But then afterwards, like reassess, like, was that worth it? You know? And I think that that's kind of, that's, that's the healing in action, right? Is like being constantly in that place of like, what do I feel like is best for me right now? Like self reflecting. Right. And what is reasonable for me right now? Yeah. Cause for some people being completely celibate, it's not,

It's not realistic, know, like that just might be part of their, their, not love language, that's just part of their expression, you know, it's the same thing like polygamy for some people that's wrong, but like for other people, like that's just a natural way of expressing themselves and their personality. So I think that as long as she's in a place of like reflecting, being real with herself about what works for her.

how something makes her feel. Like if something really does make you feel less worthwhile to someone, right? Like reflect on that feeling, like sit in that feeling for a little bit. You know what I mean? Because that's the only thing that's gonna keep you the next time from hesitating a little longer before engaging. And it wasn't until me personally, like I had a couple of interactions, even though I was saying like, like I want something more serious. There was a couple of guys I was dating.

And it was after like seeing one guy and I was like, I'm tired of this feeling, like it being late and meaning to like scramble off to home with like to go take care of my kid and like, this is all this rushing around. And I was like, and he really wasn't worth it. Like that was not that worth it of a session. I mean, like that wasn't it, you know?

Pilar Lyutfalieva (20:48.138)
And it was like, you you have to have those moments though. You can't it can't be theoretical for you You have to be in that place of self -awareness while you're in it to be like Yeah, I'm done. I'm saturated. I'm that's it. I'm done, you And lo and behold I met my husband like six months after that You know you were saturated and I was like, yeah and I was

That's a whole other story, but I'm playing. So yeah, that's where I'm at. Yeah, being self -aware for sure. know, we said everyone is different. Under this young lady's case, know, keep seeking the therapy. You know, that's what I think is very helpful and beneficial. Even if celibacy is something maybe that you're just not comfortable with, or you just, not saying you can't do, but you don't want to do, or maybe feel like you don't need to do.

That's fine too. You can also just be more selective about who you choose to lay with and who you choose to let have that access to you. Because when you start realizing that you're giving them access, your sense of self -worth kind of, you know, it elevates. Like I'm the prize, I'm allowing you access to me. What did you do to actually attain this access? Well, don't pay me, that sounded weird. I mean, it's similar.

I mean we're all we're all sex workers. We're all workers in some way Maybe it's not sex that we're exchanging but we are putting a price on our value either through the attention that we either through the you know, what kind of love we give what kind of you know anything right? Are they worthy of receiving this affection this love this access to you like what the quality of your attention? exactly

Like, are they giving you that attention? Are they being that just a good person and the person that you're interested in or the type of person I should say. So just be selective on who you allow to have access to you, especially in intimate ways. Because you know, with women, we're different than men normally. I mean, we do have women that can just, you know, have casual encounters. For sure. No shame in that. But a lot of women, if they...

Pilar Lyutfalieva (23:13.268)
do engage in sex with someone, it's because of an emotional connection. It's higher risk for us. It's higher risk for Evolutionarily speaking, yeah, we see sex as a lot more of a higher investment because we could come out being pregnant, we could come out getting killed, we could come out, there's all these things that are not. Well, I just can't take on stick and leave, you know what I mean? Like, hip. Pocket is left with feelings and emotions, you know, most times, and it's like,

We had to be very cognizant of that. So exactly. That's I thought about that. But I hope she finds her healing and it sounds like it may be some childhood issues or something stemming from that. I mean, there's a lot of sex workers out there and they're like, yeah, now I'm good. You know what I mean? They move on, they get married, some are porn stars and they're they're bad. Like I was just thinking of that.

literally porcelain, but I feel like it's something else that's there with this woman that's, mean, fact that she called herself a low value woman, like, I feel like that's also like, she's already trying to disarm and be like, I know I'm low value because people in her life have probably told her like, you know, like, that's nasty, you're nasty, you're this, I made her like, almost like trying to convince her.

that she's a low value woman. And so in order to almost avoid the conflict, you diffuse by going, I know I'm a low value woman. Like I know, I know what I am, you know, that kind of thing. Exactly. But you have to do that. And if there's people in your life who aren't willing to like support you in your healing process, when you're clearly already committed to it. I mean, fuck them too. Exactly. Fuck you for free.

Yeah, right. know, kind of thing. But you know, I she finds peace. know what I mean? And deserves love. deserves. Yeah, like you're worthy of it. Like people love to judge, you know, but they really don't know, right? The circumstance of a lot of people's situation. And depending on, you know, culturally, like where you live, you know, just a whole bunch of things. Like here in the U .S., I feel

Pilar Lyutfalieva (25:35.442)
It's definitely more frowned upon and they're like, you know, we don't have to do that here to make money. But like actually, well, the sex trafficking, which is huge here. but besides that, it's like, no, there are people who really don't have like a choice. Like, you these young girls who are trying to support their family or, know, they run away from a horrible life at home and then what are they going to do? You know what I mean? So, yeah.

For sure. It is very possible. mean, especially in this climate, I feel like, yes, 10, 20 years ago, you know, there's a lot more, there was a lot more tradition. And I think just by virtue of like the internet, virtue of like, you know, information and people sharing their stories and Right, because you put it in, no, like sex trafficking, what's that? Like it's been happening, you know, but now with the internet. It's possible to turn your life around or it's possible to,

You know what I mean? Like, I just feel like there's just generally more compassion in the world than there used to be. And is more like a breadth of possibilities, you know, that sense of like, even like, I mean, just look at like polygamy and all. It's more acceptance. It's more acceptance. It's not as taboo. And I feel like Pretty Woman walked so everyone else could run. You know what I

Well, it's funny because actually our next one is about pretty women. Shall I read it? I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I didn't set this up. I'm going to play lotto tonight, people. This happened that way. I'm going to lotto tonight. Hit it. All right. I'm going to read this. Now, what's funny is I haven't read the whole thing. OK. And I because I wanted to wait until this moment to to read it.

So there was a picture, but I don't think that's really necessary because the words kind of speak for themselves. So do pretty women have to vet men harder and have higher standards than average looking, question mark. I know it sounds like a champagne problem, but I feel like being pretty attracts so many men that we need to filter a bigger pool of them because a lot of men will shoot their shot.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (27:55.088)
even though they know they don't have what it takes to be with a beautiful woman. I have been on dates with men who were insecure about my beauty, about the attention I attract, or their insecurities made them think they didn't deserve me. I remember applying for a job. I created a profile to be able to send my application. The recruiter sent me a message. We aren't looking for models. Based on my profile picture, it frustrated me so much. And then there are annoying questions.

Why is a woman like you still single? There must be something off. Which adds a little self doubt. Thoughts? Another question. Am I the only one noticing that some people feel entitled to comment on how I decide to show up? I often have people telling me, I prefer you with your hair natural or thicker eyebrows or in this dress or whatever they don't like about me, they'll tell me. And I am thinking that I decided to show up like that for me not to please anyone.

It annoys me because again, it's about my beauty and it's mine, not anyone else's and I do whatever I want with it. Woo, go on. I prefer you this. prefer you that. I prefer you to shut the fuck up. How about that? I don't know about that. But, you know, she probably doesn't want to, she's thinking it, but you know, she's trying to be very demure. Very demure, right? So there's a way to say that.

It's not quite such a context, but that's what we're thinking. Like people love to impose their opinions on others and she's right. And especially if someone is very attractive, whether it male or female, people who are jealous or insecure will try to find ways to bring them down, to humble them, so to speak, to, you know, knock them down and not where they need to worry about.

fixing their damn hair because it doesn't look good how it looks right now. And you're 100 % right. Like take the energy and put it on you. Don't come here with that because I didn't call for you. I didn't send for you. But now I'm going to come for you. You tried it. And then you tried it. And now you're about to get it. Like people think they're eating with these comments, but they just look like idiots. And you know, I see it all the time. Like, well.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (30:12.914)
Now I'm home and I don't like being around, you know, general people and outside with the masses breathing all my air. But you know, you'll see it all the time, men or whatever, cat calling women that are really attractive. Like, sir, you were hanging outside in the corner and you have no teeth in your mouth. Why are you trying to talk to this woman? And then you're getting mad when she doesn't want to speak to you. Like sir, gummy, Mr. Gums. sir, your crack pipe is hanging out your pocket.

Or like, why are you not at work right now? Why are you frequenting this establishment? Why is it a Wednesday afternoon and you're sitting out on a long chair? Right, right. Or a lawn chair, which I've seen, or a milk crate and thinking this gorgeous specimen is, who has it going on? It can literally have anyone she wants, would waste her time and her vagina on you. Like, let's be for real, you know? it is true, it does happen. And when,

people, men or women, if they're attractive and they happen to be single, they're like, why are you still single? You must be a problem. You're like, yeah, I do have a problem. Maybe my standards, I don't want to lower my standards for mediocrity. And there's nothing wrong with that. And again, you know, you do have people that seek really attractive people out and then they get into these relationships with them and you hear it time and time again, they want to break them down. You know what I mean? To humble them and knock them down a notch.

And then you hear these people saying, you know, I'm finally out this relationship and I'm gaining my self -esteem back. And you see them and they're just like good looking people. You're like stunning. And like someone came into their life that they allowed because they, I guess they didn't bet enough and gave them too much control and access them emotionally and mentally. And they broke them down because of their own insecurities. So to her, say, yes, bet harder, don't lower your standards and look cute.

Just because I wanna look like a basic ass bitch and you do is not my concern. I'm just putting it out there, just like strict like that. you don't have to wear that, neither did you. Keep that energy for yourself, not for me. It's so interesting because I have lots of thoughts and feelings about this. my God. There's a, cause there's a lot of different, there's like my.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (32:36.33)
personal experience with this and then there's just like money like just as a what I would say to this woman as a general and to women in general, right and women in general I'm gonna say I mean there's something I tell my daughter too because she Athena she'll be like I'm you I want to look beautiful today and I we're still in this thing where I'm like beautiful is what you are. Okay fabulous is what you want to be. Okay,

You want to like go there. Okay. Be fabulous. Like you want to dress up. You want to do your hair. That's one of them. Fabular overdressed or overeducated. That's it. But beautiful. You already are. And that's something that, know, beauty has so many different expressions or, know, our sense of who we are and all of this that

you should always feel beautiful. You should always feel that you are in a place to set standards, period. I like that. Period, period, period. You are always in a place to set standards. And this woman, she's a perfect example of someone who I feel like she has had standards and she gets this blowback for it, which is so ridiculous because, and you hit the nail on the head. It's like,

people will treat others through the filter of their own problems. Exactly. And if people are telling her like, what's wrong with you? It's like, you know, maybe you need to look at yourself, you know, because clearly I don't have a problem with myself, but you do. Like that has nothing to do with me. And the job, like good thing to record. well, said that immediately. You don't want to work there.

You don't want to work there. It's almost like thank you. In those situations, I say thank you. When people show that they're a part of themselves, where it's like, wrong dimension, like I go thank you because I didn't need that. So I'm glad you just. I didn't need that. So I can be educated and physically appear to be a gorgeous person. totally, totally. And I feel like I have a feeling I can tell what her.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (34:48.372)
picture probably looked like she probably they were probably really well done and she probably knows how to look good. So she probably looked like she was yeah posing she was getting her best side she was getting the best light everything. Come at her like, like, we're not looking for models like you try you're trying to hiring ogres like so you're punishing me for being attractive like literally, literally.

Tell your mom the same thing? Probably not. Exactly. I mean, these people, just, you know, like, be nicer. Just be nicer. Like, if a mean thought comes into your head, just ask yourself, like, is this for me or is this for them? Or your mother. Yeah. Is this for me? Would you say this to your mother? Probably not. would feel somebody said this to your mother. They probably wouldn't because you're ugly. Vanessa said, don't comment.

But in all seriousness, when I see someone that's beautiful, like, wow, they're so pretty. My first thought is, what skipcare does she I literally going to say it. I need to take notes. Yeah, I want to know, is that I, like your...

The situation. that natural complexion? like I need to know. Is it a serum you're using? Like is it? like are we using like Drunk Elephant, like bronzing drops, what serum is that? Like, okay and if it's a surgeon, I'm all for that too, like what is their name? Yeah, like who are they? Who are they, where are they? Where are they? Are they accepting new clients? Like, totally. I need to know, you know what I mean? I'm like wow, like when they look good, I'm not a hater, you know what I mean? If I see another woman, I'm like ooh.

Like, okay, like she ate that dinner and outfit is cute. That's like if someone comes and sees my outfit, I'm like, thank you. And if I see they really like it, I'll tell them, you know, where I got it from. Or, you know, things like that. Like, your skin looks great. I'm like, it's the serum. Like, Sephora. You know what I mean? like. Yeah, exactly. When I get on camera sometimes and I'm like having a meeting and they're like, my God, you look so good. I feel like it's the lighting. I think it's the flex.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (37:04.084)
That's my thing. I'm like, like when I went to the doctor's appointment, like, okay. Like, you know, you feel like I was like a whale. Honestly, like I'm a potato on stilts, you know, I have my heels on. And like you're glowing. I'm like, it's the Sunday Riley UFO oil. Like, it's sunny glowing. I'm like, baby, I promise you it's the Anastasia blush and the Fenty bronzer highlighter. I promise you. Like I look like a Victorian child trying to survive the winter in my mind.

Like who has the fever? Like, Vanessa has the fever. Do think she'll make it to spring? When we first started talking to each other, you would never get on camera. Never. And you always, I look like a dying Victoria, a sick Victoria. Like I'm a sick Victorian child and it's the winter time. Pray for me, mama. As we only had a few bread and the scraps of cheese and the famine is setting in. I know if I'll make it to see another warm spring.

You know, even when I feel like at my worst though and I see someone looking good, it's like, let me get my stuff together because you too can do it. You know what I mean? Don't be a hater. Yeah, 100%. I also want to give the other side of it, which is and the other side of like the reasoning why you shouldn't, you know, get on someone's case for being beautiful, which is like, like, why are we even saying that?

Right. For me personally, and this comes from my personal experience, and that's that I have had a long history of really struggling with my femininity, struggling with my beauty. It attracted a lot of bad attention when I was little, and it wasn't the kind of attention that you want children getting, you know what I mean? Right. It would be the classic, you're so mature for your age, or you're so beautiful. It didn't resonate as positive.

The art colonies were coming out. it's so and exactly exactly so I went through many many many years and decades of Just like really hiding my femininity. So that happens a lot only when I exactly You know exactly and it was only until you know the last like five ten years more like five years three years that I really started like embracing

Pilar Lyutfalieva (39:29.758)
You know, I mean, I would even when I had long hair, I am, I was at a job and I just, would always have it in a bun, always have it in a bun and a and a messy bun and whatever. Yeah. And I remember I was at lunch with my boss at the time and I was putting it down so that I could reach. Yeah. And he no joke. He looked at me and he goes, he said, don't you know what you do to men when you.

have your hair down. And it was, as a woman who was, for the majority of my life, worked in male dominated industries, you learn to grow a thick skin and you learn to deflect while dimming yourself. Larry, Larry, I don't even know if that was his name. You and that fucking baby carrot that you have in your pants can do nothing for me, okay?

So when I tell you that I reclaim myself, my femininity, and I know it's just like even in, you know, I've had to go through so many evolutions of what does femininity mean to me. And, you know, even with my husband who has never like over sexualized me like that, has never, you know what I mean? It's always been very like mental first and then, you know, and appreciation and then.

that you know what I mean, especially when you're talking about people who have that kind of trauma growing up, and you see someone who is full out, like embracing their femininity, to me, I'm like, you don't know if it took them their whole life to get there. Right. You don't know me from a whole new world. you literally just got Exactly. Like you don't know me. Like you don't know me. You don't know me. Back like that. You don't want to know me. And you don't want to know me. So don't try me.

Like, see, these people have you fucked up. You're fucked up. See, like, you're trying to be like cute, but then you want to turn to Tyler Perry, you know, with a fling pan. Like, see, now you're trying me and I'm gonna have to show you better than I can tell. Exactly, so just let me live my life. Let me live my life. Let them be beautiful. Let them be beautiful. And I will say just, yeah, I'll go back to it. Absolutely. Have standards always.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (41:54.314)
But yes, if you do present yourself with confidence and with that added like I'm embracing the best version of me already like and you're coming out and you know, you're just on that that extra vitamin of glamour like Absolutely, like your standards should be high like do what works for you and Fuck the haters. Fuck them, right?

I don't need that stank coochie energy coming over here, my throw up my vibes. So work mama work. Go balance your pH, mind your business and mind a business that pays you. bye. Fix your pH and get out my face. That's so funny. I love it. Okay, hold on. have one. So we have two more, but we can do this.

Well, I want you to go off on the next one. This is for you. and that's the black women harsh truths. I want you to get on your soapbox here. Yeah. Do you want me to read it or you read it? want my reaction like my my reaction to it or let's see. Well, whatever it like because there's there's like comments to. OK, OK. Right. And forgot about that comment.

I see she's not a group anymore. I know someone got kicked out. Stopped on with the flash. So funny. who made the pose, she's the owner of the group. Who? Shanika? Yes. Nice. She said, I said, I said, duh. She said, you don't know me. Now you found out. Because she was, she wanted to add her, but maybe she's gone now.

Okay. All right. Yeah. I'll read it because I'm black. I guess it's not. It sounds better. All right. All right. I saw this floating around and it's basically saying, black women in particular, need to stop making themselves

Pilar Lyutfalieva (44:19.54)
sexually available for men primarily for absolutely nothing in return and we're not talking like you know about You know having them pay like your bills like pay for your you know, your rent your hair, know trivial things like that but not even loyalty and Commitment you need to value yourself your body your time energy more than has actually been going on and

I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of other races that can say things like that. But when you look at how black women are depicted, I can see where this post came from. So I feel like black women are really overly sexualized. And I feel like the culture itself, the hip hop culture or what you see in mainstream media exacerbates that.

because a lot of times you just see, you know, these fake inflated asses bent over shaking it and getting champagne poured on them or like dealing with these low value fucking men, even if they may have a lot of money, they're still low value and they're not being respected like we should. So for example, like I said, in rap videos, you'll see it. But if you turn on a country video, for example, you don't see

women getting treated in that manner. They don't refer to their women in the same way and it all just kind of trickles down. So yes, I do agree with that and that's something I'm actually like instilling in my daughters because it's like, no, like don't give your, don't give people too much access to you so quickly and for nothing in return. And again, I'm not saying, you know, get pimped out and just because they're paying you money and have sexual money and things like that, but

What are they showing you to actually warrant this affection that you're giving them, your time, your attention? What are they doing for you that's going to make you want to be intimate with them? Like, what are you getting in return? Like, what is the end game? What is the reward? And even me, like I'm hyper vigilant now and it's I want to make sure I portray myself in a certain light. Like I won't wear certain things because

Pilar Lyutfalieva (46:41.778)
I'm shaped a certain way. Like it may look good, you know, on someone who may be thin, not as shapely in a different race. Like a white woman, for example, it won't look the same on her as it looks on me. And I'm really trying to explain that, you know, to Sophia for instance, like, how come I can't wear these shorts? I might because your booty meat is hanging off the bottom and it just, just no, you know what I mean? And I feel like it's subconscious because they already look at us in that light.

Like they expect us to be scantily clad, wearing, you know, poor fitting clothes, coming out like sexy red. And just, she's really the main one. I was just going to say I was like triggered, literally a walking STD. But anyway, I digress. Like, you know, like that's what they put out there to the mainstream media. Like that's all we're good for. That's how we're supposed to convey ourselves. And that's how, that's what people expect. And.

You know, when you don't conduct yourself in that way, you don't portray yourself in that way. You know, it's like a shocker for us. Like, like, wow, like you're so, you're so well -spoken, you know, or you're so reserved. Yes, you speak well for a black person. You know, plenty of black people have heard that one. Like, you speak really good. Wow, you are like, wow, you're not like the other ones. Like, you're not like the rest of them. It's like,

Okay. One of the good ones. Yeah, I've gotten them. Yeah, you are the good ones. That's what it is. It's like

Thanks. need to simply is that like you like what? So many you meant that I'm in a positive way, whatever. But yeah, like I feel like a lot of times in the black community, women like seeing their bodies essentially is the only thing that they have to offer. You know, and it's sad and it shouldn't be that way. And I feel like

Pilar Lyutfalieva (48:43.122)
in the black community, a lot of things come up that may not come up in other communities or cultures. It's like, why are we even talking about this? You know what I mean? I think something that a lot of people miss about the black community is that slavery was not that long ago. I mean, then there's that. There's a lot of healing that's still happening from that. And if you just think about the generational trauma,

of feeling physically devalued, literally being seen as what was it? Like a third of a human or something like that. Like, was it that much? was some, was. Damn, we got a third. Yeah, it was in the. It's constitution, right? exactly. So I think that there's, there's just so much or two thirds is a third or two thirds is in threes. Yeah, we can. All right. We swimming in it now.

We swim in it in humanity. But there's, when you talk about generational trauma, and you have people that think about their generational trauma from like, you know, seven, eight generations ago. And it's like, you're not talking about very far back when you're thinking about the whole community. Like the last slave literally like died, I don't even know, like 20 years ago? Like it was like in our generation. It was like, no, he died. think it was like,

in the seventies or sixties or seventies or something, but his grandchild or whatever, his relatives are still alive. Like they're people whose relatives essentially were slaves. Exactly. Exactly. I'm just looking forward to the day where like people can just look at each other without that filter, without that trauma. Yeah. Like to wear a cute little skirt, right? It can look

Just cute and it doesn't have to be a sexual thing. It doesn't have to be something you have to worry about. It shouldn't be something you have to worry about. It can just be like a proportionally cute short skirt with flats and like whatever your hair done all cute and like, you know, a cute, you know what I mean? Like you don't have to worry about who's gonna take advantage of that purse, of your daughter, who's gonna take advantage of them or worry about other people's children. Like I just, yeah.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (50:58.868)
I know that when I see these girls, like white, black, whatever it is, when I see them in these shorts, I'm like, I see her booty meat. I see the cuff. You see the cuff underneath. like, my God, I'm gonna pull your shirt. I just, I go and protect the most. I'm like the world of the Totally. And then I'm like, and you're walking into school like that where everyone's like walking close to each other and these teenage boys. I'm just like, my God. You know what I mean?

creeps that are just out here out and about. my God, I get so triggered. I already have a broken couch. See, it doesn't matter if they're black, white, Spanish, whenever I see a girl like, and they just need some more time, you carefree. I'm like, feel like there's cockroaches going all over my body. I'm just like, I can feel like, it's like a sensation. It's like, I'm like, I want to go in and like wrap a shirt around my

Yeah, I'm be a mom but cover your ass cheeks. You know what I mean? The Sophia came home or something like that. I'd be like, I don't even want you wearing that in the house. It wasn't home. You know, like, I'm like, can you just cover your ass cheeks? And my dad is like, I don't want to see that. Need bigger shorts, because you don't have less butt. you don't have less, but you got more. But why are you wearing shorts that are a size seven? And you

or like a size 12. She's like, what? It's covering. I'm like, you just not as well wear underwear. They just underwear with an inseam. yeah, that's that. Yeah, it's a whole thing. We free the cheeks at home sometimes. Yeah. Athena goes full Mowgli. yes, that was me when I was younger. As soon as I came home, I would take my clothes off. Yes, and I still like to be naked now. Yeah. But you know, I don't want to scare my son.

What's nice is like when you have your own house and then there's no one home or like, can just, even just walking around naked in your own room is like just so liberating. It is, I'm playing Tiffany, think we're a number. That's like literally me. The boobie swing. Like let his hang. That's just, that's me.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (53:24.266)
Well, this was fun. Let me. yes. We have to get it. yeah. 118. it's 118. Yes. shit. Yes. Thank you. You got to go. I need to get Athena. Yeah. OK. All right. That one. That one. We want to thank you again for listening. Don't forget to check out our page, Goop and gag dot com for episodes, contact and partnership opportunities. If you'd like to book a session with Vanessa for all your styling needs, you can book at real.

nvoguewithv .com forward slash services. That's real E -N -V -O -G -U -E with the letter V dot com forward slash services. And if you'd like to a session with the bar, you can learn more at PilarLupfaleva .com. That's Pilar, my first name, P -I -L -A -R L -Y -U -T -F -A -L -I -E -V -A.

That's been like a Mickey Mouse plug.